All I've wanted is a prognosis. I've asked every doctor, "How much longer will she live?". I just want answers. I need to be prepared. I can't stress enough how much of a planner I am. Now, I want to take it all back. I was given her prognosis and I want to erase the knowledge from my brain along with that stupid tumor picking on my baby. I don't want to know anymore. Please Lord, let me forget. I'm begging You to take the words back. I don't want to tell You how to do Your job, but I can't take this anymore. My family, friends, and even a few strangers are hurting because my baby is sick. So much pain is surrounding us and I can't take it all away. A Band-Aid won't fix it, a kiss won't make it feel better, nothing is working. I pray, and pray, and pray and my baby is still dying. People keep saying that one day I'll understand, but I don't want to. All I want is for Aralyn Faith to outlive me.
All my life I have wanted to "belong" and fit it. Now, I "belong" in THAT group. You know, that group of mom's who people stare at because their babies are dying. The group that people feel sorry for. The group that is offered tons of outside support, but no one knows what to say so they run. I'd give anything to be kicked out of my new group.
I have, at most, 12 more months to spend with my beautiful baby girl. I want to cuddle her up and lay in bed and never get up. I want to trace her face with my finger over and over again so I never forget. I want to burn her cry, scream, and laugh into my brain. I want her to live longer. I feel so selfish asking for more time since she wasn't supposed to live an hour, but I really can't give her back. I know she is His child, but I want her all to myself.
Please God, please let Your will be that she stays.
My Beautiful, Precious, Pure Princess. <3
