Today was a simple day. Woke up, went to therapy, came home, played. Days like today give me a sense of normalcy. Aralyn was so animated today. She smiled and laughed and mumbled all day. She's never been so verbal. I couldn't help but laugh when I laid her in her crib and she instantly screamed. I picked her up and the world was good again. Of course I had to repeat the process a few times just to see if she was playing me. She was. I loved it. I didn't see it as a result of her being spoiled rotten but that she had the ability to process wanting to be held. She responded. She expressed that she did not want to lay down. She said it loud and clear. That's a win. She is dominating her diagnosis one day at a time. I couldn't help but smile today, not because I had to but because I wanted to. I am so blessed!

"Lord, the one You love is sick."

I woke up angry today. For the past 10 months I have been unable to express that. I have trained myself to smile and carry on. Today I couldn't hold it together. I ask myself over and over, "Is it OK to feel angry? Is it OK to be mad?". Truth is, I haven't found anything stating that it's not.
Aralyn had therapy this morning then we went and had lunch with my mom. Afterwards I decided that it wasn't a good idea to sit around at home so we went to Wal-Mart. Believe it or not, Wal-Mart is a great place to wander around and get lost in thought. As A and I "people watched" I would catch myself silently making comments. We walked passed an older gentleman and the first thought that crossed my mind was "Well, he's had a good run.". How horrible is that? When I say I felt angry today, I mean angry. I felt envious of the woman with what appeared to be 5 healthy, beautiful children. I felt concerned for the little boy being ignored by his mother. I felt disappointed when I watched a girl no older than 15 pick up a pregnancy test. I felt frustrated watching 3 unattended children toss fruit around the produce section. I felt so many feelings and all the while Aralyn sat back and enjoyed the show. I felt guilty when I realized that she was watching my facial expressions as every scene unraveled. We got to the car, buckled up, and then I fell apart. I felt selfish. For the past year I have clung to every chance of Aralyn having a healthy, "normal" life. I ask her therapists "What should a child her age be doing?". Does it really matter? NO! She is Aralyn Faith. One of a kind. Perfect in her own way. I was caught off gaurd when a man walked up to my window asking if I was OK? I couldn't resond with a simple answer. That would have been easy. That would have been less stressful for him. Instead of giving a yes or no, I explained to him (in a not so calm way) that I was struggling with the fact that my daughter is "terminal, that Satan was testing me, that I was mad at myself for allowing myself to feel angry. I let it all go. By the look on his face I could tell that this wasn't what he thought he went to Wal-Mart for. God placed him there. I believe that with all of my heart. He didn't respond with the standard "I'm sorry." or "Poor you." but looked to the sky and said, "Lord, the one You love is sick." That's right. He, our Almighty God, loves Aralyn. She may be my child on earth but she is really His Child. He loves her with or without a feeding tube, with or without a helmet, with or without a perfectly formed brain. He loves her!!! She is His Child! Aralyn may not be healed while she is here with me, but she will be healed. He is the Ultimate Healer.
When I got home I came across a book on my dresser. It's been sitting there since I was about 7 months pregnant. I never read it and now I know why. Tonight, I opened it up and it all became so clear. There it was on page 42. The words jumped off the page and my heart skipped a beat. It read "Lord, the one You love is sick.". Right there in front of me. I laugh at the story of the man who drowned after 3 boats offer to rescue him from rising waters but he turns them down saying that God will protect him. Then, when he gets to heaven and asks God why he died, God explains to him that He sent 3 boats for him but never took the hint. I have done that same thing. This book(I Will Carry You by Angie Smith) has been in my face for a year and I passed it by waiting for God to make things clear. Today my second boat came in the form of a caring man.
I have a new understanding of my faith. Just because I demand that God heal my child does not mean He will revise His plans to please me. His plan is the perfect plan and it's time I accept that. When Aralyn goes to play with Jesus in Heaven, I know she will be perfect and pain-free. Until then, I will love her with all of my heart and treasure every moment I have with her.