All I've wanted is a prognosis. I've asked every doctor, "How much longer will she live?". I just want answers. I need to be prepared. I can't stress enough how much of a planner I am. Now, I want to take it all back. I was given her prognosis and I want to erase the knowledge from my brain along with that stupid tumor picking on my baby. I don't want to know anymore. Please Lord, let me forget. I'm begging You to take the words back. I don't want to tell You how to do Your job, but I can't take this anymore. My family, friends, and even a few strangers are hurting because my baby is sick. So much pain is surrounding us and I can't take it all away. A Band-Aid won't fix it, a kiss won't make it feel better, nothing is working. I pray, and pray, and pray and my baby is still dying. People keep saying that one day I'll understand, but I don't want to. All I want is for Aralyn Faith to outlive me.
All my life I have wanted to "belong" and fit it. Now, I "belong" in THAT group. You know, that group of mom's who people stare at because their babies are dying. The group that people feel sorry for. The group that is offered tons of outside support, but no one knows what to say so they run. I'd give anything to be kicked out of my new group.
I have, at most, 12 more months to spend with my beautiful baby girl. I want to cuddle her up and lay in bed and never get up. I want to trace her face with my finger over and over again so I never forget. I want to burn her cry, scream, and laugh into my brain. I want her to live longer. I feel so selfish asking for more time since she wasn't supposed to live an hour, but I really can't give her back. I know she is His child, but I want her all to myself.
Please God, please let Your will be that she stays.
My Beautiful, Precious, Pure Princess. <3
I have no words for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you wouldnt change having her though. You took a leap of faith when doctors said she wouldnt live an hour and you loved her anyway. You showed her what love is, you still do. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow but we live like we are. I know this brings no comfort but I want to tell you anyway, through your story I have learned how to be a better mom. To live each day like its my last. To hold my kids more, to pray with them, to comfort them, to spend time with them. I know that Noah only has a part of what Aralyn has so I dont understand what you are going through, but I know what it is like for us. To spend most holidays at the hospital, to wait longer for rewards like hearing a laugh or seeing a smile or feeling kisses. I am here if you need to talk or vent. Again I am so sorry you are going through this. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteBe blessed
Ashlee
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ReplyDeleteThe perfect word... Pure! Everything about your writings, your daughter, your struggles... PURE!!! I can't begin to imagine the battle you go through of finding Aralyn Faith's life as a gift you don't want to return. I do know that I am going to go "trace [my daughters faces] with my finger over and over again so I never forget... and burn their cry, scream, and laugh into my brain." I don't have their "prognosis" but I know life is precious, and you are my fortunate/unfortunate reminder. We will continue to pray for you all.
ReplyDeleteI think about you, Aralyn, and your struggle often and send up a prayer each time you cross my mind. Never has a stranger touched my heart as much as you have. You are a strong and brave woman and I know that I would not have the same composure you have shown throughout your journey. I wish that a cure would suddenly appear or that doctors would suddenly find that God carries you and Aralyn through this tough time and shows himself to you often. Always in my prayers,
ReplyDeleteMichelle King
Your blog is real and true. I'm a mom whose son died in 1973 at 10, almost 11 years old. He had Cerebral Palsy, lung disease, could not hold up his head, walk or crawl, but he could smile and understand and was so full of love. I didn't want to talk to the parents who kids had died, I wanted him to live. I wanted a Miracle. God chose not to bless me with a miracle on this earth but when he died, a friend who was a teenager at the time, drew a picture of him with Jesus looking out over a field, with kids playing and animals, trees, and it was like looking at his future. I miss him to this day but I know I will see him again. It's hard on us, but he is free. I still believe in miracles and I am praying for God to give you one and to heal your little girl. Nothing is to difficult for Him, but I know He sees the whole picture and I can only see a few pieces. Jodi was my kid's friend at the time. She would come and play with Michael or spend the night with us just to go on an outting (even when our kids weren't home). God used Michael in her life to affect the lives of many other people. Live for today...none of us are guaranteed tomorrow..but if you ever want a friend to talk to who won't run, call me. Jody knows how to get in touch with me. I am praying for you and your family. God is faithful and He will carry you through....no matter what, cling to Him.
ReplyDeleteVicki