Tuesday, September 13, 2011
It's harder than I expected.
After today, I may never listen to another song again. When I woke up this morning I decided I needed to get this job taken care of and out of the way. I'm trying to find the "perfect" music for Aralyn's funeral. Every song makes me a little more ill than the one before and I'm about ready to yank my ears off. How can such beautiful music be used in such a tragic way? I know how!!! Aralyn Faith will NOT have a funeral. She will have a "Celebration of Life" and that's all there is to it. I've always used music as an escape from reality. I can get lost in one song for hours, playing it over and over again. Today, I want to hear nothing. I want to sit in the silence and listen to her breath. I have one song picked out. I know it has to be played because when Aralyn heard it, she smiled. Of course I cried. It's like she knows what I'm doing and is telling me it's ok. Two weeks ago in church Aralyn was talking up a storm while Bill preached. Then in Sunday school Laura Lea said it's because she is telling us it's ok, she's going Home and will be ok. Maybe those weren't her exact words, but I knew what she was saying. I sit around crying while Aralyn smiles her big, cheesy smile. She knows. She knows she's going to have a perfect body, perfect brain, and will be pain-free. I wish I could find comfort in that thought, but it's not working. I want to scream, kick, stomp, and tell God what He will do with Aralyn's life. I'm sure that will get me real far. Maybe we'll just play the Wonder Pets theme song over and over again. I'm sure Aralyn wouldn't mind because she loves it! I have so many things to figure out and I don't know how much time I have.
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Whitney-we do not know each other but I receive updates through Jylasidi's (sp?) journey. I want to encourage you to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time and one minute at a time. I know that planning Aralyn's Life Celebration is so important. Rely on God to reveal the details to you. I am so thankful that you have the time that you do. Aralyn is blessed to have you you as her mom. Please know we are praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI too Follow you through JLYASDI's journey. My Husband and I pray for you and your family all the time. I cant even Imagine how you feel, but my heart and thoughts are always with you and Aralyn. As the previous commentor said, Aralyn is blessed having you as her mom. I Can imagine she has changed you as much as you have helped her. I was driving in the car earlier and head a song, and Cried. It made me go back to the NICU days with the twins, and More so it made me Think of you and Aralyn. Not sure if you have heard it, but if your having a day you can give it a listen As its beautiful yet sad. I say listen if you can. and if not I know its totally understandable. song is by Steven Curtis Chapman and its called Heaven is the face.
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