The not so typical post.

Days like today make me question every choice I've made in my life. I become impatient waiting for God to give me the answer and I fall apart. While Aralyn was vomiting all I could do was suction her, wipe her off, and cry. No matter how hard I try to hold the tears back, they come like a flood. What gets me most is that A can have vomit pouring out of her nose and mouth then fall back asleep like nothing ever happened. I can't. The episode replays in my mind over and over and it won't stop. This is her life. It's all she knows. She doesn't know what it's like to sit in the floor playing with toys. She doesn't know what it's like to take her first step and fall. She doesn't know what it's like to tell me "no" when I put her in bed. I pray that she knows I love her so, so, so very much. Pain like this is one of a kind. Back in my rebellious days I snuck out the window late at night. Needless to say, I got caught. My dad screwed my windows shut and took my bedroom door off the hinges. I thought my life was over. Another time in 7th grade my "boyfriend" broke up with me for my best friend. It was the most painful experience ever. Thinking back on those moments I laugh because they were nothing. I was mad at my dad for outsmarting me, but my life did not end. I was embarrassed because my "boyfriend" thought my best friend was prettier that me, but it was petty. This, what I'm feeling right now, is real, heart wrenching pain. Pain I pray no other parent ever feels. The doctors say Aralyn isn't terminal because she probably won't die in the next 6 months, but she may in 7 or 8 or maybe even 11. What is that? Thanks for clearing that up, docs.
Sometimes I want to stand in the middle of the road and scream just to see if anyone will notice and other times I want to crawl in a hole and hide from the world. I thought I had this all under control, but I was wrong. Very, very wrong. Only God knows what will happen next and I hope it's something positive because I can't take much more negative. We only get one life, right? Maybe I should start living for myself and my kids and not for other people. Maybe I should do what makes me happy and not what I think others want me to do. Maybe that's what Aralyn is teaching me. Maybe I should start living.
Yea, I'm on a rampage, but I started this blog to help me process my emotions and that's what I need to do.
No matter what, tomorrow is a new day.