A Different Kind Of Post

Where do I even begin? One month ago, I was the mom on the phone with another mom at two in the morning telling her to take a deep breath. Reassuring other moms that this phase, this hard moment will pass. I was being called on for support, prayers, and a shoulder to cry on. Today, the roles are reversed. About a month ago, I woke up and my world went black. Pitch black. I was completely numb. No matter what I did, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't get my thoughts together. Sleeping became a thing of the past. I'm doing good to eat once a day. Have you ever heard of Postpartum Depression? I have, and I'm living it. I have a beautiful life with an incredible husband, three amazing children, and a loving family. I am living my dream, raising my children, homeschooling, doing a little Target shopping, and drinking all the coffee I can get my hands on. All of my dreams have come true. Why am I so unhappy? I am surrounded by children, a husband, kids, nurses, and therapists twenty-four hours a day, but I feel so alone. Why can't I stop crying? Why am I being such an idiot? Let me tell you why. PPD is real. It's scary. It'll make you question everything you have ever known. Some days, I have it all together. Other days, just getting out of bed sends me into a panic attack. Not the panic attack where you just need to shake it off, but the kind where I am shaking, struggling to breathe, and covered in hives. I'm so ashamed. I'm so weak. On a daily basis, I'm told that I'm strong. How dare I break down! A few nights ago, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I broke down and told my husband I couldn't do it anymore. I needed help. I can't keep going through the motions, forcing a smile, watching my life from the outside. I'm so grateful for a supportive husband. He has done his research and is so incredibly strong. Now that I've admitted that I need help, I need to take the next step and get help. I'm on the right track, or so I thought. I thought I would make a phone call, schedule an appointment, and begin my journey to healing. I was so very wrong. After calling a few offices and being told an appointment wasn't available for weeks or no new patients were being accepted, I began to crumble all over again. PPD and rejections don't go well together. I already feel like a failure, but then to be told no, why should I bother? I kept calling. I was continually rejected. At one point, I told the assistant through uncontrollable sobbing that I couldn't wait two weeks, that I needed help right now, and she turned me away anyway. Why won't anyone help me? I shaking, sobbing, begging for help and no one will help me. Let me tell you, it hurts. Honestly, I still haven't found help, but my husband is taking over the calling. As I sit here, ashamed and embarrassed typing this post with salty tears dried to my face, I have realized something. Maybe there isn't help for me. Maybe I am alone on this dark path. Maybe I can't be helped. Maybe I'm too far gone. You see there, those are my true thoughts. That's what's really going on in my mind behind this smile I keep forcing. I know it's the PPD talking, but it's so real. I went and saw my midwife today. She assured me that it's alright to be weak because our God is so strong. I believe that with all of my heart, but I still can't shake it. I've let my kids down. I've let my husband down. I've let myself down. I'm unstoppable, untouchable, and yet here I sit, begging for someone, anyone to fix me. Some of my real thoughts are down right scary. They even scare me. No, I have no urge to hurt my children, but there's so much more to PPD than that. Every day I wonder if they would be better off with someone else. Every day I wonder if I'll be broken forever. Every day I wonder if this is it. Maybe there's nothing to take away from this post, maybe there is. I don't know yet, but I'm willing to put it out there. Even if one other mom reads my post and relates to my words, then takes a step towards healing, it'll be worth it. I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy. I want help. That's my only request. Please, please, please know that PPD is real. Check on your friends. When she says she's fine, read between the lines. Be the support system she needs. If she wants to talk, listen. If she doesn't want to talk, don't force her, but make sure she knows you're there, really there for her. Know the symptoms of PPD and watch for them. Until I find the help I need, I will keep telling myself that I'm not a failure, I'm not a lost cause, and that one day, everything will be alright. Maybe not today, and probably not tomorrow, but one day. I will repeat those words until I believe them. I hope to look back on this post in the future and say, "I did it. I survived." Until then, I'll remind myself that it's okay to not be okay all the time.

Postpartum depression symptoms may include:

• Depressed mood or severe mood swings
• Excessive crying
• Difficulty bonding with your baby
• Withdrawing from family and friends
• Loss of appetite or eating much more than usual
• Inability to sleep (insomnia) or sleeping too much
• Overwhelming fatigue or loss of energy
• Reduced interest and pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
• Intense irritability and anger
• Fear that you're not a good mother
• Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt or inadequacy
• Diminished ability to think clearly, concentrate or make decisions
• Severe anxiety and panic attacks
• Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.