This just sucks!

What a stinky week.
Tuesday our preacher came over to talk to us about Aralyn, how Matt and I are, and her funeral. Do we pre-plan? I am a planner. I thrive off of structure. I never once thought to ask Matt what he felt about planning Aralyn's funeral, but Bill did. My husband is the quiet type. He has to know you atleast 6 months before he'll even say hi to you. He stands back and watches the chaos of the world. He's not one to jump in and take control. When Bill asked how Matt felt about it he said he felt like planning would be giving up on her. I never thought of it that way. My heart broke for him because I didn't know he felt that way. After talking with Bill, we both know that planning isn't giving up, it's being prepared. After Bill left Matt and I talked...for a while. We both agreed that planning would be best for us but where do we start? What do you do first. How do you plan a funeral for your child who is sitting next to you living!!! Aralyn was smiling and watching as all of this unfolded. We chose a funeral home and a cemetery. That's as far as we got and that's all we can handle for now. I called the funeral home to ask about caskets and they informed me that they don't have her "size" in stock and would need about 4 weeks to order. WHAT??? First off, it's not a pretty little dress so don't use the word "size" please. Secondly, I doubt God is going to whisper in my hear 4 weeks in advance. Matt doesn't want anything to do with the picking of the casket. I understand that because I don't want to either. But it has to be done. The thought makes me physically sick. What music will be played? What will she wear? What will we wear? How many people will be there? What will we say? How will we act? The questions are neverending. I'm terrified. I've NEVER been so scared in my life. How do you lose your child? I know she'll be in Heaven waiting on me but how can I stay here until God calls me Home? I had someone say that their daddy passed away and would make sure Aralyn had her bow on and would push her in a swing. I bawled. I sobbed. It melted my heart that she would share her daddy with Aralyn until I could be with her again.
Through this journey I have learned that there are still many, many good people in the world. You may not read about them in the newspaper or hear about them on the news but I can say first hand, they are out there.
Wednesday was a beautifully bad day. Blink of an Eye Photography took Aralyn's ONE YEAR pictures and they turned out amazing! Then, we took A to the ER. Shortly after getting home from the shoot she started vomitting. Her Neurosurgeon said to expect that. Because of her brain deformities, she can't control her bodily functions. Within an hour her temp was 102.9 and her average is 97.4. We knew something was wrong. When we got to the ER they took her straight back since her oxygen was at 84 and she was trembling. 6 sticks later an IV was placed. She was barely awake and her heart rate was 194. After a x-ray and diagnosis the doctor said he woul give her a round of antibiotics then send her home. About 45 seconds after we walked out, the vomitting started and she went into a complete seizure. Only twice has A had a seizure with convulsions. Needless to say, she was admitted. The rest of the time it was pretty standard until her doctor came in asking about a DNR. Our first thought was "Is this it?". He wanted us to be prepared if she coded. We signed it. I cried. I felt horrible for me brother-in-law who also signed. Does he know what he's signing? Does he know that if something happens to Matt and I, it'll be up to him? Our family should not have to worry about these things. It sucks. Bill, our preacher, said it's ok to feel that way and that's been my motto all week. This just sucks!
Aralyn is home and doing well. At night she is still struggling with her breathing and her vomitting is come and go but she is here, smile and all. That smile of her's can really turn your world upside down. She knows she cute and I love it.